It was a day like any other day in primary school. There I was, sitting all alone enjoying my Le Snack (i had no friends until the age of 10… sad but true). I had just finished my last biscuit and was moving onto the dessert portion of recess (the fruit roll-up) when all of a sudden a kid came running from the other side of the playground, out of breath but managing to yell:

“Ben Mathews* is doing brown-eyes on the basketball court!”

There was a moment where everyone went quiet, processing what they’d just heard… it was a solid 10 seconds of silence before every single kid got up and ran towards the courts.

Now, I don’t remember exactly what I thought Brown-eyes were before that day, but as far as I was concerned, Ben was on the basketball court taking shits everywhere, like some sort of dog-boy… why this made me feel the need to run to see such an event i don’t know, but everyone else was so why not.

So along i went with tide of children, all on our way to witness him pooing. When we arrived the entire court was surrounded with kids as if it there was a game on, all watching this Ben, his bum out, running from end to end bending over and opening his cheeks toward the crowd. Each time I gasped thinking

“Is this one, is this the time he’ll poop?’

but he never did… I don’t know how long it was before I put the pieces together and realised the act of bending over and spreading his cheeks was the brown-eye, but i eventually caught on…

This whole spectacle went on far too long, this boy who just discovered his bum opens, showing it off to the whole school…

The funniest part was watching the teachers chasing him around, trying to apprehend him but having to retreat each time he bent over, arse exposed, It was like some sort of gay rodeo…

It’s  funny to think back to a time where you didn’t know what most things meant, a time when even Googling was just as much an unknown word as wank or clitoris… I wonder what I thought a blow job was back then? The man paid to inflate beach balls? That’d make for funny misunderstandings i’d imagine…

What words as a kid did you misunderstand and what comedic adventures ensued? Leave a comment below, let me know I’m not alone.

*Ben Mathew’s name was changed out of respect for his privacy… and due to the fact he grew into a scary criminal & i don’t want him googling his name to find this story and then kill me… or worse, poo on me…

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Tales from the video shop Pt 1


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