Bathroom Wee-Fart Ettiquette

Occupied

As men, we on occasion find ourselves standing, sharing a urinal with other guys. It is a weird phenomena, doing what is generally a private function so openly and on mass and as such there are certain unspoken rules applied to ensure it all occurs in accordance with societies conventions. Rules include:

No peeking. Your head must not turn more than 45 degrees either direction and must never look down further than approximately 30 degrees. Of course, there is also eye movement and peripheral vision to consider which is why I abide by the eyes front & center rule, you can’t go wrong there.

Keep a controlled shake. You want to avoid getting a stray drop on a fellow toilet goer with your enthusiastic shaking of the penis. The shaking gesture is also a subtle courtesy to indicate to others that you’re finishing up your time at the urinal.

Mind the gap. It is good manners, when possible, to leave a minimum of one empty urinal between you and other people already using them. Often it is unavoidable to have to slip into the gap left by someone else abiding the rules but just so long as you stick to the no peeking rule outlined above you should be fine. When using a trough however there is more discretion in the distance of spacing between yourself and others. My rule of thumb is, if the gap is so narrow I am touching the people either side of me, I won’t try use the space.

Polite conversation only. Preferably sport related, weather perhaps or just general small talk, no big questions or comments, nothing that can lead into an awkward linger. The last thing you want is to finish your business (with a controlled shake) only to have to hang around a stale men’s room while you finish your discussion on the state of affairs in Libya.

Control your pressure. You push too hard, particularly at a trough, and there can be a larger radius of spray. Think a fire hose sprayed at a wall up close. Splash back. This rule is particularly enforced at a venue where one might be attending the urinal in thongs.

And finally, the wee-fart. Often when you find yourself relaxed, as you do when releasing a steady relieving stream of wee, your whole body plays along which can often result in a wee-fart, the usually deliberate but often accidental fart that comes when weeing. It is often a squeak or a brief pop, never much more than that. Like clearing your throat… only, it’s your bum.

When a wee-fart occurs it is to remain unacknowledged. No one can mention it ever existed unless the person who did it chooses to comment on it, in which case it is okay to laugh or even remark on it.

On my recent trip to the states there were several occasions where I was in the position of using a urinal in the proximity to a bathroom attendant, one of those guys who hands you a towel and offers you aftershave. The first time I was put off and stifled my wee-fart (no easy task) but by my third trip in I just had to let it out.¬†I chose to leave it unspoken rather than try make light of it, i figure it happens enough he’s heard all the classics: “Who stepped on a duck?” and what have you. On that time I tipped $3 instead of the standard $1, i figure there has to be some sort of tax on it.

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