Hawkins Theory of Inherited Parking

How many times has this happened to you?


You go to pull into a car park spot and the car that is already parked in the spot next to you is over the line. The result is you too having to park in a spot not as neatly as you’d have liked, maybe even over the the other line.


You’re not happy with having to park like this but you need to duck into the shops for that fancy milk the wife needs so you do your best, pull up the handbrake and park. You’ll only be two seconds.

Then, the inevitable occurs.


You emerge from the supermarket with your “milk” only to see the original offending car gone, leaving you to look like the wanker. Usually at this time the person attempting to park next to you pulls up just in time to see you as you get in to your poorly parked car. They mouth curse words about you as then the attractive woman walking past goes out of her way to call you a dicknose and make sure you know she won’t ever sleep with you. All because some twat couldn’t park between the lines.


This is an example of what I like to call, Hawkins Theory of Inherited Parking. The theory is simple:

Being made to look like a knob as the result of some other persons poor parking.

I theorise there are three types of parkers who cause this:

Bad parkers: people who park poorly whether or not there is another car there or not. These people are generally void of guilt, care or responsibility for their poor parking skills and if confronted about it will likely key your car before they hop back in their misaligned vehicle and speed of to their spray tan appointment, showing off their massive frangipani sticker as they go.

An early sign of someone like this are children who cannot colour between the lines. Not because they can’t but rather because they don’t want to.

The Oblivious parker: This specimen is so distracted by their phone or shiny objects that they don’t even notice they’re a solid foot over the designated parking lines. This type of person lives their life in this bubble of oblivion and can often be found stopping suddenly while walking in shopping centres, obnoxiously blocking the top of an escalator or hesitantly hovering at a crosswalk.

As children these people are known to put crayons up their noses.

Then of course there is the final type of parker. The Heirs. Those of us who are forced to park poorly through an inherited park. The truly tragic part of this theory is we then become someone we hate. Someone who then forces a fellow heir to have to park poorly and the cycle continues.

As children Heirs are those who colour strictly inside the lines. They colour so well in fact that they win a colouring competition and receive a giant Castle Grayskull playset as a prize. Or was that just me?

So next time you curse someone for parking poorly, spare a thought for the chance that they’re, in fact, just like you and were forced to park in such a shameful manner perhaps because they inherited it. Of course, if the car has a Playboy sticker on it, feel free to assume they’re just a bad parker.

Note: This is in no way a verified theory, i can only hope with the right funding I am able to further my studies and put an end to all obnoxious parking. You can donate here.

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