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In the video rental system, the people are divided into two separate yet equally important groups: the people who hire the movies and the customer service representatives who tolerate them. These are their stories.
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One quiet night I was working with another guy and a man came in, he must have been 7 foot tall at least, easily the tallest man I’d ever seen in real life before. I was at the counter and had to watch on as my co-worker pretended the man was Godzilla and acted as if he were many fleeing Japanese people as the man wandering about the store.
He soon grew tired of this (he was being very convincing and must’ve exhausted himself) and went back to stocking the shelves.
He soon came over and exclaimed loudly “How fucking tall was that…”
He had forgotten one of the most important rules about retail services jobs, keeping the in store head count. The freakishly tall man had not yet left, he was simply leaning down between the shelves inspecting some weeklies. When he’d heard my co-worker say “…fucking tall…” he elongated himself to full height again and leered over towards the counter. Realising that the man had just unfolded behind him my mate quickly recovered with “… chick before” as if changing the sex would spare him from being caught.
The funny thing was, the giant man believed him and began asking questions about this made up woman. Turns out he had a problem meeting many women on account of his height and he was interested in this mythical tall woman. We played along, painting this tall woman in a glorious light, until he finally left.
Feeling a bit guilty we each kept an eye out for any particularly tall women that happened upon the store so we could play cupid… we never did find any.
Walk against MS
MS is horrible for all those who have to suffer it. It holds lives to ransom and effects the lives of those who have to endure it…
MS is a greedy corporation run by a giant nerd named Bill Gates who got lucky and is now stuck in a fast moving, constantly changing industry and who holds it back with his stale thinking and lack of imagination putting the world in the grip of a frustrating monopoly.
Microsoft has a history of failed promises for better performance and features in it’s Windows software. We all remember the Windows Vista debacle don’t we, what the hell was that? And let’s not forget the devil spawn that is IE6! Don’t get me started on…
*bring bring*
Weird. Excuse me while I get that…
Me: Hello?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Oh, so MS isn’t Microsoft?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Then I’m doing a walk for Multiple Sclerosis?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Well, I’m sure it’s a common mistake…
Other end: *bbbz*
Me: It’s not?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Yep, yep, bye.
*Hmm Hmm* Well, I guess most of what I said is still true, MS does ruin peoples lives and it’s suffers have a lot to deal with… and Bill Gates is still a dick.
I don’t write this to poke fun, MS is a serious cause and one I am personally involved with. This is simply my way of raising awareness and getting you to read on.
So, if you had a laugh at this post (or even if you didn’t, don’t hold it against me) please follow the link below and make a donation. Every donation counts no matter what the size so please if you’re able make a donation by clicking the link below. Thank you.
http://register.mswalk.org.au/MS-Walk-and-Fun-Run-Sydney/Miatch19
Sock Hands Part Duex
When we last left our hero he had just placed his hands onto a hot stove and lost his grip sending him falling to the floor… Let’s pick up the action there…
I remember feeling as my hands felt as if they were on fire! Were they on fire? Mum, still on the call, stuck her head in to see what I was screaming about,
“What’s going on in h… *sniff sniff* Who’s cooking chipolata’s?”
She took a moment to register what she was seeing… A small boy crying his eyes out with his hands out in front showing off his hands that resembled something of a grilled steak. You know that faux vegetarian food shaped like meat that comes with the grill lines on it? That’s what my hands looked like.
The next part is a bit of a blur. A quick dash to the ER. Some bandaging. Some more crying. Mum drinking lot’s of wine.
What’s not a blur is the next month or so I had to spend with socks on my hands. Socks soaked in smelly burn cream. Thankfully it was the year before I started kindergarten but still, my small developing ego took a smashing blow as everybody, toddler to teen, grown ups to the elderly, would laugh their arse’s off as I wandered by, sock on my hands up to my elbows.
Even my friends couldn’t keep me company. Between not being able to go outside, not being able to handle toys properly and the smell of the cream I was an outcast.
Attempts were made to turn the socks into puppet creatures to keep me company during this most lonely time but I just resented them and let them talk amongst themselves. For a whole 6 weeks I was a depressed, paranoid and isolated critter.
I survived on A Charlie Brown Christmas, Transformers the Movie (old 80′s animated of course) and My Pet Monster, the only friends who wouldn’t laugh at me.
The End
PS This is the last story I can think of that involves me mutilating my own hands. Promise.
Sock Hands
So my hands have been dry and cracked lately and someone suggested I sleep with Sorbolene soaked socks on my hands I was suddenly & horrifically reminded of a long repressed memory from my early childhood…
I must have been about 5 and I was out shopping with Mum. I was dressed in my usual outfit, Spider-man, and I was swinging all over the place doing heroic deeds. My mum did not appreciate my antics and she became extremely frustrated with my efforts to bring down the dastardly Doctor Octopus. She resorted to a bribe to calm me the fuck down. While most upstanding heroes wouldn’t even blink at a bribe I had been offered a shiny new Matchbox car in exchange for my co-operation. I concluded that I’d done all the saving of innocents I’d needed to for the day and that even the most selfless of heroes deserve nice things. I agreed to the offer and reverted back to my mild mannered secret identity. I remained calm all the way home in anticipation of receiving my new toy.
Soon as I got home I demanded the prize that had been promised to me only to have Mum tell me that I first had to eat my lunch, no doubt something gross like egg and lettuce sandwich or something (I was a picky kid). The Matchbox car was placed on top of the oven, well out of my reach, while mum prepared the boiled eggs. I was angry, this wasn’t part of the original deal. I was getting screwed over.
As I stewed on the floor of the lounge playing with my older, more boring toys the phone rang. Mum was forced to abandon her position at the stove to answer the call. I saw my window of opportunity and took it. Getting to the toy with my spider-like abilities would be easy.
It was a pretty straight forward operation. Push the chair to the stove climb on to the stove, to get to the oven to reclaim my rightful prize. Simple right? Only my infant mind forgot about the cooking of eggs that had occurred mere seconds before. I placed my little hands on the stove to pull my self up I was suddenly overcome with an intense burning sensation in my hands. I screamed and fell back to the floor.
Will our hero survive? Well, yes, I am writing this after all… but check back Friday for the exciting conclusion to Sock Hands!
To be continued…
