1 New Message
This is a text exchange that happened to me not too long ago. Think I’m okay to post it now the heat has died down but just in case I’m still in the dog house (so to speak) I’ve changed the names of those involved. Enjoy.
*BZZ BZZ*
Stan: Hey mate. Where is it you send your dog when you go away?
Me: Newcastlepetresort.com.au I cannot recommend them highly enough. Why, thinking of checking the Mrs in for a spell?
Stan: This is the Mrs, I’m using Stan’s phone >:(
Me: … woof? …
Ps I can’t help but feel a 
would have made that above faux pas a bit softer…
Filed under 
What’re urinal lookin’ at?
Pick a Urinal
Does this happens to you, fellas?
So you go to a public bathroom, either at work or in a pub or the like, somewhere where there are multiple toilets in the one room that are a mix of urinals and cubicles.
Personally, if I’m going for a Number 1. I will head for the urinals first. But when you enter and all the urinals are taken you have to resort to a cubicle instead. In this instance, I tend to keep the door open, as if to say “I’m not shitting, just pissing here, yo”.
Now this is when things start to get complicated. So you’ve gone in to a cubicle to wee because the urinals are taken but then those guys at the urinals finish first and leave whilst you’re still in the cubicle, door open, weeing.
Then some new guys come in and see this empty bathroom, urinals available, and you peeing in a cubicle like some freak.
It’s about this time I feel like I need to defend myself and explain that I had to take the cubicle due to availability but I’m really a urinal guy, just in case these guys think I’m insecure about peeing in public or something. I think this way despite never having entered a men’s room, seen a guy peeing in a cubicle with the door open and thought “you pathetic loser”.
That’s why when I’m done in the cubicle i like to leisurely leave it out as I say a few hellos before putting it away, zipping up and washing my hands , just so there is no misunderstanding about my public bathroom comfort.*
*This is not entirely true… I sometimes don’t wash my hands
Hey baby
An artists interpretation of me holding a baby
I have never held a baby before. Ever. Not once. I have no interest in it. It scares me. I feel nervous about handling my iphone 4 let alone the product of someones own biology. If someone dropped my phone, it can be replaced. If I were to drop someones baby I don’t think my offer of sleeping with the wife to replace it would really work out.
The heads freak me out. Not being able to lift their own head is just odd. I feel if I hold it wrong the head will pop clean off and roll awkwardly to the feet of the parents, shaking their heads in disbelief, knowing they shouldn’t have let “Uncle Mitch” near their child.
On the weekend I visited my mate who has just had a baby himself (well, his Mrs did the hard work but he helped). After politely declining a few time to hold the baby I was saved by the arrival of my mates parents, the babies grandparents. I took this window of opportunity to leave while the grandparents were distracted playing with the baby. Then I heard the Grandad say this:
Grandad: *baby goo-goo talk*… Huh. His hairs still a little red, isn’t it… I hope this peach fuzz grows out, we don’t want a ranga in the family.
Me: I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Grandad: *Looks up at me* Whoops, didn’t realise we had one here…
Me: Yup.
Grandad: Sorry?
Me: Never mind, happens all the time.
Maybe, own one day, I will have a child of my own and maybe I will hold it, but it’s more likely I’ll just hug them when they’re 6 years old or a nice pat on the head or something… If they aren’t one of those unfortunate rangas that is.
Walk against MS
MS is horrible for all those who have to suffer it. It holds lives to ransom and effects the lives of those who have to endure it…
MS is a greedy corporation run by a giant nerd named Bill Gates who got lucky and is now stuck in a fast moving, constantly changing industry and who holds it back with his stale thinking and lack of imagination putting the world in the grip of a frustrating monopoly.
Microsoft has a history of failed promises for better performance and features in it’s Windows software. We all remember the Windows Vista debacle don’t we, what the hell was that? And let’s not forget the devil spawn that is IE6! Don’t get me started on…
*bring bring*
Weird. Excuse me while I get that…
Me: Hello?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Oh, so MS isn’t Microsoft?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Then I’m doing a walk for Multiple Sclerosis?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Well, I’m sure it’s a common mistake…
Other end: *bbbz*
Me: It’s not?
Other end: *bbbzbzbzbzbzbz*
Me: Yep, yep, bye.
*Hmm Hmm* Well, I guess most of what I said is still true, MS does ruin peoples lives and it’s suffers have a lot to deal with… and Bill Gates is still a dick.
I don’t write this to poke fun, MS is a serious cause and one I am personally involved with. This is simply my way of raising awareness and getting you to read on.
So, if you had a laugh at this post (or even if you didn’t, don’t hold it against me) please follow the link below and make a donation. Every donation counts no matter what the size so please if you’re able make a donation by clicking the link below. Thank you.
http://register.mswalk.org.au/MS-Walk-and-Fun-Run-Sydney/Miatch19
Middle Finger Epilogue
The six months after the horrific accident that nearly lost me my middle right finger were frustrating, boring and painful. With my whole right hand, my main hand, out of action even the most menial of tasks were an effort. Wrapped up in a ball of bandages for most of this time, the finger was still extremely raw and sensitive, even a slight bump would bring on a wave of intense pain that would bring me to the point of vomiting.
Here are some things suffered from the receiving the most painful (and painfully lame) accident of all time:
I had to drop out of uni for a semester because my hand was useless. I was in the final stages of my Visual Communication degree and was left unable to do any practical (or impractical for that matter) work what-so-ever. My only choice was to defer and hope i could pick it back up in 6 months (Fingers crossed… well, finger crossed).
My diet had become finger food (ironically). I had to have meals pre-cut for me so i could eat with just a fork. I wasn’t able to hold a knife let along provide the pressure needed to cut things. Anything i could cook without actually cooking and pick up with one hand became my only rations.
I had to learn to wipe my bum left handed. I know, it sounds silly, but have you ever attempted a wipe with your other hand? Give it a go, i’ll wait… See, the co-ordination isn’t quite there, is it? The first few times did not go so well but I eventually found my groove… so to speak.
I was off the road for a few months, unable to drive my manual car. I think even an automatic would’ve caused me grief. I was house bound (I don’t do public transport). I’d have probably hitch hiked but holding my hand out for that amount of time to thumb down a ride would’ve made me pass out from pain.
My dating life (which wasn’t much to begin with, let’s be honest) was now non-existent. My injury wasn’t quite so bad that I got any sympathy and wasn’t quite so good that I could carry on as if it didn’t happen. There is nothing cool about an injury that was a result of sitting on your own hand, no girls want’s to date a dude with a busted finger. Needless to say, my left hand “pulled up the slack” on those duties too.
As you can see, this seemingly simple injury had utterly destroyed my life.
12 months later…
So, after a long year finally a hint nail was attempting to grow, but it struggled. Nails being made up of hair meant that the new nail was growing out from the knuckle like piano wire. You know that pain from when your cuticle is cut a bit short? Imagine that 24-7… Brutal. Putting my hand in my pocket too quick would make me dizzy with pain.
It was about this time I could first start resuming day to day tasks such as writing, cutting, drinking & wiping that had eluded me for those previous months.
Today…
And here it is almost 8 years later… I still have nerve damage up the arm and neck from it, and if it is cold it aches (he says like a war veteran), but for the most part it has healed up nicely, definitely much better than the Doctor (who had considered chopping it off at the knuckle) had prepared me for. It still looks a little odd but it has left me with a hell of a story.
The finger today is a little different looking but I think it has given him character. If you ever meet me in real life, yes, I will let you see and touch the finger.
So, i guess the moral of the story is always be careful sitting down, lest you cause yourself debilitating, grievous bodily harm… or something to that effect.
